Sometimes, really weird stuff goes through my mind...

You know what you can do if you want to kill your sex life? GET MARRIED! Ahaha. 

I’m married, and I can tell you one thing: …it’s actually not that bad!

I’ve been married for 3 wonderful years and I get laid every day! Every damn day. Consistently. Blowjobs on a weekly basis!! Occasional even anal! No kidding!

I’ve manage this by following 4 simple rules, which I will now share with you. Because that’s the kind of guy I am. Nice guy, who wants to improve the world. Improve other relationships. Perfect other people’s lovelifes. So, listen carefully:

1. Love and respect your wife. That’s the best advice I can dispense today. Respect the hell out of your woman.

2. Of course, being young and handsome helps. Always has. Always will. Wink!

3. But the most important rule is, never, never, NEVER, forget to lock the cage in the basement where you keep your wife. Because if you do, she might try to escape, and go to the police station with absurd notions.  And you don’t want that. You do not want that. Don’t get me wrong, that shit will get you into the evening news, which is alright and all, but the neighbors, and especially the police might get a bit hostile. You might have to change town, name and job, and all of that avoidable by not forgetting the third and most important rule: ALWAYS lock the basement door.

After that, you can implement a loving, but firm ‘’food for sex’’ policy. And that will get you some results in the long run! It might take a bit of time, but lest you forget the longer you wait, the skinnier she’ll get. And as society tells us, skinny girls are the hottest kind! So, it might be worth the wait!

4. Also, important, but not essential, keep it fresh in the bedroom. Guys, you fail here more often than you think. Don’t always do the same old thing where you beat her to a bloody pulp, then tie her hands behind her back, and force yourself into her against a wall… You have done that a million times! You need to use your creativity… buy her a fancy new cloth to stifle her screaming during your lovemaking, stab her again a couple times during sex, so she’ll remember the day you met, and if you really want to spice things up, put her in the trunk of your car and make a romantic getaway! Just book a cottage in the country, and keep her tied at all times, or she might try and… getaway…

If she does try to getaway, put her in the trunk of your car, and push the car off a cliff. She needs to learn to respect you. As I said in the first rule, RESPECT is of paramount importance to every relationship, and it goes both ways, ladys!

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As is obvious, this is a joke. If you're offended in any way, as an apology, may I suggest that you go fuck yourself?

That might help.